Self Gratification

Wow, I saw the Malay Mail this morning while taking a tea break and there was a big black page with an apology over it. Was wondering what sort of political message it was apologising for, but there was no mention on it. The grouch then sent me the excerpt this afternoon which I'll post here for everyone to read.

ONE 22-year-old who claimed to be a virgin, even admitted that she thinks of sex 99 per cent of the time
although she insisted she would rather wait for her wedding night to get her cherry popped.


Our findings showed that Malaysians know their 'stuff' pretty well.

Most Malaysians admit they like it from behind, or 'doggie style'. It was the top choice in terms of 'positions'
among KL folk.

Thirty-eight per cent of the guys prefer this position.

The missionary is a close second (21 per cent), followed by bareback, futon, galloping, spooning and tea bag
positions.

Women are not particularly crazy about being on top or getting hit from the back as 32 per cent of them actually
prefer the missionary position.

The study showed that respondents consider sexual activity to be stimulating for the mind and body.

Eighty-four per cent of the respondents said sex is a stimulating and relaxing activity that benefits one's
health.

An average of 72 per cent respondents are also sexually active with between four and six sessions in the last
one month.

From the survey, we also found that those between 18 and 28 indulge in sexual intercourse more often than those
in a higher age bracket.

With the majority of people working 'normal' office hours, it may explain why 83 per cent of male and 62 per
cent of female respondents are sexually active at night, with 58 per cent of respondents saying that they prefer
the action to start while they were sleeping (the kind where you get woken up by good sexual stimulation).

However, if you are into morning bedroom activities, you are not alone. Many people like to start the day with a
good romp in bed.

However, Malaysians are less adventurous when it comes to choosing the spot, with 50 per cent of respondents
opting for the bedroom.

A big portion of those interviewed do not quite care where they do it ? 12 per cent of respondents said they do
it in the car often.

A majority of the respondents also seemed to be contented with their sex life as 88 per cent of them claimed to
experience orgasm at every session.

Maybe it is because respondents felt that sex presents an emotional connection rather than a mindless,
animalistic romp in the hay.

Contraceptive reigns among the top in sexual priority.

Ninety people claimed they would insist on precaution.

And what about autoeroticism (a bit of DIY love)? Eighty six per cent of men admitted to constantly 'taking
matters into their hands' while only 60 per cent of women indulge in such activities.

Most of the women we met also felt that it is all right to do so.

One point everyone agreed on was that sex and sex-related issues should be discussed openly to avoid any
negative perceptions.

Weird huh? I thought it was going to be an article lambasting Mahathir or Abdullah or someone of high rank, instead its an article on sex! What the eff is going on in our country when we can't talk about things like this? This is one of the reasons why our youth learn about sex from the wrong places and not from parents or teachers who would be able to guide them (and by guiding them, it doesn't mean parents or teachers are allowed a practical approach k?).

If the front page thing wasn't funny enough, the reply by some people was even more hilarious. You can find it here. Why is it that everytime we try and be open about issues that affect us and our children in particular, everyone gets their panties in a twist? Think of the brightside, at least those responding to the survey had contraception high in their priorities. Bengap betullah.

***

Sunday, I bought the New Straits Times (Should have bought the Malay Mail instead due to the above issue, but I don't usually read *fluff* newspapers) to get the Cars, Bikes and Trucks pullout. After reading the CBT, I ended flipping through the rest of the newspapers, looking for something interesting to read and I came upon this piece written by Gavin Yap. He has a very bloggish style of writing, which can be appealing at times although he somewhat rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because he tries to write about the typical Malaysian youth, whereas he remains atypical himself. C'mon, having an artist / actor / playwright do a column sounds good from an editorial point of view, but having him write contemporary pieces isn't pleasant. I have an issue with his article which I'll quote ad verbatim.

What's the Point? Put some grip in that handshake

05 Nov 2006
Gavin Yap

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THIS is something I just have to gripe about for a little bit. The other night, I was introduced to this woman. I offered my hand, she took it and gave, quite possibly, the weakest handshake anyone’s ever given me in my entire life.

Okay... what is the deal with all these lame, moronic weak handshakes? Don’t these people realise that a strong handshake is the foundation to a healthy first meeting?

Seriously, I really wanna know. Where do these weak hand-shakers come from? Are they raised in some weird colony where no one is allowed to do any work or lift anything heavy, therefore they simply lack the physical strength to give a good hearty handshake?

Are they spawned from some bizarre civilisation where a handshake is the equivalent of giving someone "the finger"? The way some of these people shake hands for the first time, I think you’d be forgiven for thinking that.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not an attack on just one person. I’m sure this woman has nothing personal against me (or maybe she does — maybe I dated her sister or something) and I have nothing personal against her. She just happened to push me over the edge regarding an insufferable habit that I can’t help but notice a lot of people seem to have.

And what’s even more scary is that most people who tend to behave like this come from privileged families. I mean, you would imagine that these people would have been taught some manners while they were being schooled at whatever overseas boarding school their parents shipped them off to.

Could it be that while enjoying life abroad, they’re taught that the Third World country they come from is a disease-infested cesspool and they should be careful of what they touch once they return?

I mean, you know what I’m talking about, right? You’ve seen the way they shake hands. They barely touch you, and then they pull their hand away so fast, you’d think there was something wrong with you, like they’re scared they’re gonna catch something from you!

Or maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe it’s meant to be the sign of a lady or something and I’m just too much of a caveman to notice.

If that’s the case, I apologise and as soon as I finish writing this, I’m going straight home to watch Remains Of The Day over and over again until I learn what it means to be a good servant, sorry... I mean, person.

If its supposed to represent femininity or something, then fine. But if that’s what it means, then I’ve got a bone to pick with everyone else for not telling me. I’ve been moaning about this to friends for years and nobody’s ever corrected me.

Oh, there’s going to be hell to pay — me and the boys are gonna have words... hey... hey, wait a minute. If that’s the case, I can forgive the women. Then why, pray tell, have men started picking up the habit?

Limp wrists? Weak forearms? Come on, when was the last time you met a guy with weak forearms? Huh? When? That’s about the only part of his body that gets a regular work-out, so sorry dudes that excuse ain’t gonna fly!

And please, don’t even try to use sexual orientation as an excuse. I know plenty of guys who play for the other team and all of them could beat me up in a New York minute. I’m a pretty small guy, you see.

So why do they do it? Okay, we’ve discovered that some women probably do it to appear more lady-like. Alright, noted. So why men?

At first I thought it might have something to do with wanting to appear artistic. I mean, that kind of makes sense. But I’ve met plenty of guys outside the arts circle who have fallen prey to it, so why?

Maybe its part and parcel of this new "metrosexual" age we live in. Metrosexual — that term has always cracked me up, mainly because I have no idea what it means. Then again, I’ve never been known for my raging intellect.

First, I thought it meant people who can only feel turned on if they spend time in Metrojaya or something. Ah, who knows? It’s a strange, scary world we live in, full of things that shall probably remain unexplained until the day we die.

Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect. Far from it. I mean, most people lose interest in me after conversing with me for less than five minutes. But hey, at least I’ve got the handshake down. So to all you lame hand-shakers, next time someone offers you their hand, grip it tight. They’ll respect you more in the morning.

Even I have the cultural ability to judge whether someone would want a firm handshake or not. It doesn't matter how westernised you are, bontot tetap asian lah bro. Handshakes are a way of asserting yourself, and in business a firm handshake is neccessary in order to convince the other person that you're not an easy target. With clients, I'm firm. With friends and family I'm softer, more as a sign of respect than of being intimidated. Depends on your upbringing I guess, and believe it or not, I find there is nothing wrong with being Asian, in fact I love being one. I love being able to speak 3 languages, having food which doesn't taste bland and I don't need a slang to prove my worth. In fact, I think we speak better English than the English or the Americans, as can be proven in pop-culture.

So before you go lambasting those with Asian handshakes, please take a good look in the mirror, and remind yourself that your surname is Yap and not Smith. Then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, so here is my limp salam.

Cheerio!